Peace

The gloom began to move out today, then moved back in, then broke up for good. Today has been difficult for me, not that anyone else would notice. But there was a finality about today and a loneliness that set in because I am away from family. So though the bleak, outside sky was clearing up, a quiet sort of disturbance was settling in my own mind. It's nothing I can put my finger on--anxiety, most likely. My insides are a touch quivery and I'm exhausted and restless at the same time. It's times like this I get focused on how I'm feeling and forget to focus on how NOT to feel this way. Part of me is avoiding emotions that I know I need to experience, and the other part of me is desperate to find some quiet time alone to let the dam break loose. I'm definitely at war with myself.

I know things will become easier, and I definitely have peace. It's a divine peace that all is as it should be. I acknowledge that, I welcome it, but it's hard to make my mind settle down nonetheless. I know I battle with anxiety and depression (though if you ask anyone that knows me well they'll laugh at the depression diagnosis--I even scoffed seeing it printed in black & white from my doctor's office about a year ago). I have the prescriptions, I know the tricks...I'm supposed to take charge and make myself feel better. But this is definitely different, and no amount of Xanax is going to pull me together.

It's so strange to "know" the truth, to believe wholeheartedly that I'm at peace with all that's occurred yet still struggle to gain hold physically. I read scripture, I pray, I do the things I know I should. This evening, though, I realized something. Sometimes doing all the right things just simply opens the door for a physical peace to set in--it doesn't usher it in to sit on the sofa and have a cup of tea. God's creation is everywhere--literally!--and I think I've lost track of allowing His creation to simply minister to me. I've gotten caught up in the rush that is life--though I snicker to describe myself as "rushed."

This afternoon I grabbed my camera to try and capture some of the beauty of the blue sky and enormous cotton-candy clouds. The sun was dazzling, colors brighter, sky bluer...it was breathtaking. The grayness set in again along with a light drizzle and I was thankful to have spent a short period of time enjoying the glory of the day. Ironically (or not), the weather outside mirrored my emotions today. When the last hurrah of rain moved over I was battling sadness, accepting what is reality. And as I let go of my internal control and chose to just allow myself to "be," the clouds parted and the soft light of dusk began to color the sky. I was on the phone with my mom and struggling for emotional control, and I began to just watch the peacefulness of the ever-changing heavens. I grabbed my camera once more, desperate to document what I was seeing. Before I knew it, that physical peace I'd been seeking had quietly slipped in, poured a cup of tea, and sat patiently with a little "no, don't mind me!" and a gentle smile.

God is amazing. If you don't believe that or don't know that, well, I feel bad for you. Without faith, I couldn't exist--neither could you, for that matter! And it's times like this when I realize just how small and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. But you know what? I'm LOVED! I am loved beyond belief or comprehension. I am loved, treasured, adored, and nothing will change that--not here on Earth, and definitely not in Heaven. Am I sad? Yes, but I know the intensity of sadness will change with time. And in spite of the hurt, the tears that come out of no where, I am at peace. My body is still, my mind is quiet, and my faith is louder than ever. The clouds move in and out, and it may be difficult to see in the dark, but the Son is always shining. That's enough for me.