Here we go again...again!

The truth is ugly--isn't that what they always say?  My last post blog post was over a year ago, and a year ago I made a vow to do better, to be more regular, to post my pictures.  I've learned a lot about myself in the past year and here I am AGAIN vowing to maintain my blog.  Hmmm...

This past year has been a roller coaster--not the crazy loop-de-loop-toss-your-stomach-to-your-toes kind, but more of a fast-moving-slight-turn-spiral-here-and-there coaster.  There have been plenty of goings-on with the family which I'm sure to blog about in the future, but all we've endured has just shown me more of who I am which hasn't always been pleasant.  So what have I discovered?  What has kept me far from the blogging realm?  How about a list of "I" statements...

I am a perfectionist.  There, I said it.  I never saw myself as a perfectionist.  I hold myself to a high standard, yes.  I can be really hard on myself, yes.  "But I'm so laid back!" I argued with myself.  My house is far from perfect, I'm lazy, I struggle with organization...me, a perfectionist?  HA!  Yet I've learned this past year that perfectionism doesn't always have to translate to the outside things to mean something; it's lurking there in the not-so-hidden recesses of my mind telling me how to do something just-so and wreaking guilty havoc when I can't uphold the standard I've set for myself.  So I back off what I'm doing, change course, give up...and beat myself up a thousand times over for doing so.

I am a control freak.  I'm still in a bit of denial about this one even though the evidence stares me in the face everyday.  I have trouble delegating tasks.  I cringe and hover when my kids want to do something simple to help because I know it might make a little mess or they might not do it "right" and I'll have go behind them making things just-so.  I have to have the dishwasher loaded in just the "right" way so that I can easily unload it "my" way.  I think I can go on about this one, so I'll move on to the next statement.

I am (too) nice.  Is that really a bad thing?  I'm a nice person.  I'm a people-pleaser.  I can't say "no" easily, if at all.  I suppose being nice isn't a problem, but when you add in my perfectionism and need to control little things it makes me a bit of a mess, haha!

I am an introvert.  Okay, so that's not exactly a news flash to me!  I've always preferred being alone or with groups of people I know.  For some reason this past year I've turned inward more, and I can't explain it!  I guess it's gotten worse when you recognize that you would prefer to hide from people that you normally would jump at the chance to visit.  I'm working on this one!

I am a wife and mother.  Nothing bad about those titles at all!  Except that the labels presented above cause me to wallow in self-doubt or worry or heaps of guilt when I'm not sure I've done what I should.  Yeah, that whole Proverbs 31 woman?  I admire her, I want to be her!  But I have trouble looking at my own life and seeing the fruit of my efforts and how it fits into that Biblical chapter.  Even so, I wouldn't trade my roles as wife and mother (and, yes, in that order!) for anything.

I am a child of God.  Hallelujah!  Something I can't put a negative spin on!  It's also nothing new, but my perspective and my priorities have been skewed by the undue pressure I always seem to find myself cowering under.  It's amazing how simple and clear God's grace is for us when we take off the blinders and see it all around.  I've done nothing at all to deserve or earn His grace, His love, His forgiveness.  He gives it to me freely because He wants to.  There is no trade off, no stipulation, no fine print.  Just pure, holy grace; merciful cleansing to start new every single day.

This past year has forced me to look at myself and see the chinks in my armor, but I've learned that I can slather the weaknesses with generous globs of grace.  I can extend grace to myself and start new every day--every hour, even!  I extend grace to my kids--whew!...what a load off when I do that!  And the amazing joy that I always have known takes a new glow when I see myself through eyes of grace:

I am not a perfectionist...I'm a dreamer, a big thinker.  My goal is in the clouds but it might take a little rain to make it reachable.  That's okay.  I'm learning to deal with it!

I am not a control freak...I am a teacher, a leader.  I can let go a little at a time and enjoy the freedom that comes with it!  My little ones are learning to fly--how amazing is it that I get to teach them and swoop in from time to time when things aren't going so well?

I am not too nice...I'm generous, I'm compassionate.  I'm learning to say "no" prayerfully and "yes" even more so.  I'm learning to prioritize so that I can feel confident in my decisions.

I an not an introvert...I'm pensive, a family-gal.  I need time to think, pray, and feel because I've been equipped with deep-rooted emotions that allow me to absorb life like a sponge.  I want to be with my family members more than anything, and I know I'll never have regrets about the time I spend with them.

I am a wife and mother--and that will NEVER change!  I take each day as it comes and savor each moment of joy and look forward to tomorrow just before it arrives.  I won't drag myself through the mire when I lose my temper or handle a situation badly, but instead I'll lift my eyes to heaven and learn from my mistakes.

And I'll write about it all here.  I NEED this!  I am NOT perfect, I am NOT better than anyone else.  I am simply taking a day at a time and trying to remember to bathe myself in grace continually.  And maybe someone out there will take a dip with me!