I know, I know...

I haven't been keeping up my blog and my 365 has been sorely neglected! I've spent 3 weeks traveling, time in between packing and doing laundry, and then running errands and getting things back to normal. AND trying to squeeze some rest in there--we've been exhausted! Oh, and did I mention that my camera broke?...

Yep...2 days before I left for Arkansas my beloved D80 met an untimely death. I was so mad--not at the little boy who caused me to drop it because that was an accident. But I had been looking forward to taking some nice family photos on our trip. I traveled with my point-&-shoot, instead, and was able to document our trip, but I haven't had time to attack those pics and get them posted.

My wonderful hubby surprised me with a NEW Nikon DSLR--one I had been drooling over--when I returned home from my mom's. I've been loving it, but my editing software doesn't. So until I'm able to upgrade to the newest CS5 software, I don't have a way to read the RAW files I take...including our entire week in CO. ARGH! So don't expect anything super duper until probably June. In the meantime I will try to back track a bit and work on the shots from my Coolpix as well as any other pics I was able to capture before my D80 hit the pavement.

Bear with me! I'm trying to get my groove back. ;o)

Lovely Day

Today was just gorgeous--one of those days that makes you stop and want to soak it all in. I'm absolutely loving our area in the spring...well, as long as the heat doesn't come early and there's enough rainfall to make the hills green! The sky was unbelievably blue today, and the clouds were mesmerizing. Add in our lush grass (it won't last too much longer, unfortunately) and it's a veritable "Sound of Music" moment. *sigh* I couldn't keep from grabbing my iPhone and taking a few pics before I got to the freeway...and a few more once I was on it--yikes! I just had to share.

Happy Birthday!!

This will be short and sweet. Our little man turned 4 years old today!! It's amazing how time flies. I'll fill you in on the details of our day together in another post, but for now I'll leave you with this image. Dman is such a pensive creature, and today I caught him watching a mini steam train in Camp Snoopy. (He's in love with steam trains!) I just thought this was the perfect shot for today. Happy Birthday, bud!! We love you so incredibly much!

Peace

The gloom began to move out today, then moved back in, then broke up for good. Today has been difficult for me, not that anyone else would notice. But there was a finality about today and a loneliness that set in because I am away from family. So though the bleak, outside sky was clearing up, a quiet sort of disturbance was settling in my own mind. It's nothing I can put my finger on--anxiety, most likely. My insides are a touch quivery and I'm exhausted and restless at the same time. It's times like this I get focused on how I'm feeling and forget to focus on how NOT to feel this way. Part of me is avoiding emotions that I know I need to experience, and the other part of me is desperate to find some quiet time alone to let the dam break loose. I'm definitely at war with myself.

I know things will become easier, and I definitely have peace. It's a divine peace that all is as it should be. I acknowledge that, I welcome it, but it's hard to make my mind settle down nonetheless. I know I battle with anxiety and depression (though if you ask anyone that knows me well they'll laugh at the depression diagnosis--I even scoffed seeing it printed in black & white from my doctor's office about a year ago). I have the prescriptions, I know the tricks...I'm supposed to take charge and make myself feel better. But this is definitely different, and no amount of Xanax is going to pull me together.

It's so strange to "know" the truth, to believe wholeheartedly that I'm at peace with all that's occurred yet still struggle to gain hold physically. I read scripture, I pray, I do the things I know I should. This evening, though, I realized something. Sometimes doing all the right things just simply opens the door for a physical peace to set in--it doesn't usher it in to sit on the sofa and have a cup of tea. God's creation is everywhere--literally!--and I think I've lost track of allowing His creation to simply minister to me. I've gotten caught up in the rush that is life--though I snicker to describe myself as "rushed."

This afternoon I grabbed my camera to try and capture some of the beauty of the blue sky and enormous cotton-candy clouds. The sun was dazzling, colors brighter, sky bluer...it was breathtaking. The grayness set in again along with a light drizzle and I was thankful to have spent a short period of time enjoying the glory of the day. Ironically (or not), the weather outside mirrored my emotions today. When the last hurrah of rain moved over I was battling sadness, accepting what is reality. And as I let go of my internal control and chose to just allow myself to "be," the clouds parted and the soft light of dusk began to color the sky. I was on the phone with my mom and struggling for emotional control, and I began to just watch the peacefulness of the ever-changing heavens. I grabbed my camera once more, desperate to document what I was seeing. Before I knew it, that physical peace I'd been seeking had quietly slipped in, poured a cup of tea, and sat patiently with a little "no, don't mind me!" and a gentle smile.

God is amazing. If you don't believe that or don't know that, well, I feel bad for you. Without faith, I couldn't exist--neither could you, for that matter! And it's times like this when I realize just how small and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. But you know what? I'm LOVED! I am loved beyond belief or comprehension. I am loved, treasured, adored, and nothing will change that--not here on Earth, and definitely not in Heaven. Am I sad? Yes, but I know the intensity of sadness will change with time. And in spite of the hurt, the tears that come out of no where, I am at peace. My body is still, my mind is quiet, and my faith is louder than ever. The clouds move in and out, and it may be difficult to see in the dark, but the Son is always shining. That's enough for me.

Of Rain, Sorrow, and Looking Ahead...

It's almost inevitable...I don't know the exact count, but my memory recalls more rainy birthdays than non-rainy ones. If it hasn't rained, it's been cloudy or wet from a rain the night before (which, technically, would still be the date of my birth). My mom says it was sunny and beautiful the day I was born...but the two trips to labor and delivery (one in an ice storm and the final one in a rainstorm) may have cursed me slightly. Funny thing is, I'm almost offended when it does NOT rain on my birthday each year!

The rain brings other thoughts...the coming Spring, flowers, new life and growth. Sometimes the thoughts are darker and sadder...reminders of loneliness and loss, of hope decayed and general melancholy. I tend to lean towards the former even though I may allow myself a decent wallow in the latter. Rainy days usually make me smile.

This year is a little different. It was cloudy and rainy by evening. No real surprise, if you ask me. But the overcast skies weren't quite so soothing to me today. You see, my Papa David passed away yesterday. My Papa was a wonderful man--gruff yet gentle, opinionated but compassionate, and he could tell a funny story with the best of them! I remember when I was little it seemed Papa could never say no to me--how magical that is when you are a little girl, and how loving when you are older. It wasn't that I was a greedy child, but knowing that my Papa loved me so much and wanted me to know it, well, it's always been comforting.

I haven't seen my grandfather for nearly 2 years. I'm sorry to say that life has a way of creating a chasm that often seems impossible to cross. For me, it was living across the country from the first father-figure I could recall. I grew up and he grew older. The problem with time is that it has a way of freezing the past and fooling you--you forget that it hasn't stopped but is marching along like Patton is in the lead; when you realize it's marching away it's too late. I'm sure Papa knew he'd done enough to let me know he loved me, and I hope he knew just how much I loved him back. It hurts that I became so caught up in my life that I couldn't find a way to make him more a part of it. Sometimes being an adult sucks--it's not eloquent, but it's true.

So while I welcomed this rainy birthday, it was with the knowledge that my tears could mingle with the drops that fell. And while I'm sad beyond measure, I suppose that same rain is beginning to wash away the guilt I've been carrying for the past several months. I know that after the rain comes the sun, and the sun carries the promise of warmth and energy to wake this sleepy winter world and bring it into Spring. My hope is in the SON, and I know that with every tear He is opening His arms wider and gathering me closer. And while the doctors weren't able to do anything miraculous to give me more time with my Papa, I know that he has received the ultimate healing and that our reunion will one day be more glorious than any earthly reunion could promise to be.

This day is one of promise and hope. I am determined to be more loving and more vocal, bolder and more passionate. I'm going to say "yes" more often to things I want and need, "no" more frequently to save my sanity, and "shove it" to criticism and thoughts of self-doubt. I'm going to be a little more like my Papa and a lot more like myself. So, look out world--this is a new year for me. 33 is going to be a year of change for the better, a year of refining who I am and who I'm supposed to be. And if you get in my way, I might even borrow a bit of David Barnett's grit and smooth your rough edges--he wouldn't want you messing with me.

So, bring on the rain! Let it fall and make the world soggy. My parade will just keep on marching with my banner held high for the Lord and memories of my Papa to keep me warm.

Another year, a project 365...

Wow...it's been almost 7 months since my last update! Amazing how time flies and how little of it has been spent blogging. So much has happened, some eventful and some not. But I promised myself that I wouldn't let perfection (or lack thereof) to stand in my way, and my birthday would be a new starting point. I'm beginning a 365 Project--if you aren't familiar, it's simply a way of documenting daily life with a photo taken and posted every day. I decided my birthday would be a good time to start, partly because I forgot about starting it until almost February--oops! Then I reasoned that it would be neat to document this next year of my life and look back on it later. Will I keep up with it? I intend to! Again, will I keep up with it...really? Who knows?! I'm going to do my darndest to try. Some of it will come by way of my iPhone, sometimes I may post 2 or 3 (or 10!) days at once! But the results should be fun.

I suppose you don't really have to have a theme, but I do. So if you follow along over the next year, you will be learning more about me--what defines me, what makes me tick, what annoys me, what I do that annoys others. If you join me on this journey, I can't promise deep insight or intellectual stimulation (you've seen my previous posts on poop and diet soda), but won't it be fun to see where this leads? So happy new year to me! Off we go...